All Maxed Out
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: It's Black Friday in Poketown! Which could go wrong?
1. All Maxed Out

May walked through the revolving door of the Home Depot, and Max had to wait two whole revolutions because May just kept going around and around, shouting "Where's the door?"

Max made his way through the 200 rotations-per-minute cyclone of an entrance. He lay on the ground, muttering angrily to himself in his wretched prepubescent caw. His dumb bitch of a sister had gotten her bandana caught between the wall and the revolving door, and she was sent flying through the woodchip-filled air and landed atop her younger sibling. Max shouted for help, but the employees rushed off in the other direction, as they knew what was to come.

The glass doors and windows on the entrance side all shattered at the same time, including the ones on the ceiling from the sheer sound of approximately 3,375 customers simultaneously chanting "5% off all power tools."

Max tried to get out of the way, but May grasped his hand and told him to take it like a man. "There is no fear in this family," May sternly reassured as Max was brutally trampled by a woman in very sharp stilettoes. About an hour later, the stampede of customers rushing in had ceased. Someone had pulled the fire alarm, and the cascade reversed direction. Max was trampled yet again by the same woman. Most of his fingers were gone.

After forty more minutes of last-minute checkouts and trying to figure out why the sprinkler water was dark brown, the employees emerged from their shelter in the basement. They were blinded by the lights that they had not allowed themselves to see for days in preparation for the attack.

May was still determined to hold her ground on top of Max. A shaken, but not completely petrified, bulky Hispanic woman lightly tapped May on the shoulder. "Are you alright, miss?"

Before May could answer, not shaken, but stirred, a much more intoxicated Ash Ketchum appeared in the broken doorframe, donning the store uniform. He chucked a large stone that he thought was an Ultra Ball at what he thought was a Pokemon attacking May. The woman collapsed, dead. "Gotcha, Lunatone!" Ash blubbered.

The force of the corpse bounced May up off of her broken bro. "Ashton!" she chimed. "I haven't seen you in six months!"

"I know this," Ash said somberly, vertically caressing just May's forehead. Max would have made a joke about vegetable juice, if he wasn't suffering from hemorrhagic shock due to his lack of fingers. "So how's it been hanging?" Ash continued, playfully but intensely groping May's boobs.

"Ash, I've been aimlessly wandering around Hoenn to try to get away from Brock for the past half year. I can barely feed myself, let alone Max. Most of my Pokemon are dead, bred, or both thanks to Brock. Where the fuck have you been?"

Ash was surprised by this spurt of intelligence. "You don't usually sound this smart," Ash squinted in a racially-insensitive manner.

May sharted and thought it was funny.

"And there it goes," Ash rolled his still racially-insensitive eyes.

The Home Depot Nurse Joy walked in as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Max groaned over his horrible pain. May chuckled. "You should use a MAX Potion!" she couldn't stop being not funny.

As Nurse Joy was only programmed to understand direct commands, she whipped out her bottle marked "Not intended for human use" and sprayed Max head to toe in his namesake. Max screamed in agony and broke out in hives as May told him to grow up and quit whining. "Welcome to the real world," she said matter-of-factly. Ash fist bumped her, and the nurse.

"So what brings you to the House Department?" Ash said.

"Stop avoiding the question," Max said through gritted tears. Chansey wrapped his head in gauze and whisked him away in a janitor's bucket.

"Okay, the cat's out of the bag," Ash sighed, mouth gaping and staring at May's hooters.

"More like the Skitty's out of the bag," May joked unfunnily for what felt like the fiftieth time.

"The reason I'm here is because Professor Oak's a fucking con artist. He kept telling me 'Ash when you're ten years of age you get to go off on your Pokemon journey.' Bull shit. Turns out, if you're under eighteen, you have to pay a $25,000 fine for each year, and now I have to work here to pay it off."

"Ash, that's common knowledge," May stopped joking. "Even I know that, and I don't even know which foot is my left foot."

Ash's gaze moved from May's tits to May's crotch. "But weren't you ten when I met you?"

May laughed. "I am 26."

"But what about that time we-"

May put all ten fingers in his mouth. "Sshhh."

Max came back, riding in Chansey's pouch. Ash backhanded the Chansey with his ring hand. "How did you let him escape?" he scolded.

"Dad 'bailed me out' of the hospital," Max explained, the IV dragging behind, still in his hand.

May reverted to her shitty humor. "Hey, you've got good IVs but what about your EVs?" She cackled, and nobody else cackled.

Ash finally let his business sense take over. "Once again, what brings you to U-Break-It We-Fix-It?" In all honesty, he couldn't remember the name of his place of employment.

Max opened his mouth to speak for the first time. "We-"

May ripped the IV directly out of Max's wrist and shoved it straight up his nose. "I'm sick. Sick of Max trying to ruin this family. That fucking thing isn't normal, I tell you." May waved her arms around sporadically as she said that.

Ash literally scratched his head. "Our stock is limited, but we may be able to fix it."

Max pulled his mouth off of his bleeding wrist to enlighten Ash. "She's just mad because I have a Ralts and she doesn't have a Ralts." It finally clicked in Ash's head that May was making a pun.

"See, it's funny because our dad runs a Normal-type gym," May said.

"I got it," said Ash, audibly annoyed.

"So you'd expect him to want us to use Normal-type Pokemon."

"It's not that funny."

"But Ralts is a Psychic-type Pokemon."

"You're not funny."

"So if it's a Psychic-type and not a Normal-type..."

Max talked over her. "She put my Ralts in a Pokeball and tried to flush it down the toilet and it clogged the toilet. We've all had to shit in the woods like fucking Neaderthals because my sister's a grade-A cunt."

"And a grade-F student," May added.

Ash felt this was a noble cause. "I think a crowbar may be the solution."

This puzzled Max. "How do you fix a toilet with a crowbar?"

Ash looked Max dead in the eyes. "Listen very, very closely, you little cumslut. I'm not gonna let you soil your family's legacy any longer. That Ralts has gotta go."

"Uh, Ash, it was just a pun that I made," May said. "I wasn't serious."

But Ash would hear no more. He had taken the crowbar up in arms and was already two feet out the revolving door, in both measurement and body part. He was too far gone.

Brock walked in. "Hey guys, I just figured out my name has the word 'rock' in it."


	2. Alternate ending

Ash's gaze moved from May's tits to May's feet. "May," he said, "You have two right feet. That's not normal."

"Not normal?" May shuddered, twitching involuntarily.

"What's wrong?"

"NOT NORMAL. NOT NORMAL." May grabbed one of the depot's hacksaws and began sawing off both of her feet. "NOT NORMAL. NOT NORMAL. NOT NOR


End file.
